A Matter of Eating and Drinking

I have come back from my summer vacation (Yes! Even though I'm in Heaven, I still like to take time off work. I am French, after all.) and what do I find on my desk in the Scriptorium but a bag, teeming with prayer requests and questions from the Faithful. Among these I found the following, written in a beautiful hand on pink, perfumed stationery. With a picture of a cartoon elephant, who says, "Before I forget...." You shouldn't have, really.

Dear St. Bernard,

Here at St. Elizabeth of Hungary parish, we just held our annual Oktoberfest weekend to help raise funds for the Archbishop's Appeal (and also to buy some nice felt banners for the church for our "contemporary" Mass - we convinced Father that the place could look a little more cheerful and welcoming to the young people). Anyway, I was in charge of organizing the Bake Sale, and wouldn't you know it, I got into it again this year with Angela Maria Theresa Palermo DiScipio.

She and I have a difference of opinion on what is appropriate to serve at a bake sale, and I thought you might be able to help. It all started when Mrs. DiScipio brought in another one of her chocolate amaretto cakes, and I told her that I thought serving alcohol to the kids was a bad idea, even if "it cooks out" as she claims. Then, on Sunday, she left the alcohol at home but brought in a Devil's Food cake, if you can imagine. Devil's Food? At St. Elizabeth's?

Why I nearly yelled out in anger at her! Think of all that cholesterol and sugar!

"But I bet they eat it in Heaven," Mrs. DiScipio said.

"Not with all that fat in it!" I replied.

"But it's chocolatey and delicious," she whined, "why wouldn't they have it there?"

"Because they'd all get fat and lazy," I told her. I didn't tell her how they'd all end up looking like Mrs. DiScipio, because it's church, and we're here for a good cause.

"I think we should ask someone else, too," Mrs. DiScipio said, not satisfied with my answer.

"OK," I replied, "I'll ask someone."

I decided to ask you, St. Bernard, because you not only know what it's like in Heaven, but you're French, so I trust you know something about pastries.

Sincerely,

Mrs. B. Costello

*****

Dear Mrs. Costello,

Peace be with you! And thank you for trusting me to answer your question. I am not certain I could be considered an expert on pastries, merely because I am French (after all, the fare at Clairvaux was rather simple, especially when Brother Geoffrey was cooking!), but I can assure you that my expertise on living here in Heaven is more fully developed here and now than it was in my time on Earth, all those years ago, though it seems like it was only yesterday when I would pray the office, preach to the brothers, and tend to my bee hives at Clairvaux. Ahh, but things were so much more complicated then....

Today, I can simply go over to the Venerable Bean and have a chat with Catherine of Siena when she's behind the counter making extra foamy Capuccinos for Padre Pio and serving up a new concoction she named after me, the "Doctor Mellifluus," a honey-filled tea and lemon ice-frappe explosion of flavor that will make you cry out, "How great, O Lord, is your name through all the Earth!" But I digress.

To answer your question, among the other delectable treats she serves at the Venerable Bean, Catherine makes a delicious Devil's Food cake, heavy-laden with butter and chocolate. We even call it Devil's Food up here too, just remind us what the Old Trickster himself is missing out on; sometimes, if enough of us are in the Bean at the same time enjoying the chocolatey goodness, you can almost hear him wailing....

As for fat and cholesterol, do not fear, Mrs. Costello. In our glorified bodies, we are able to enjoy these things, without such fears. The Kingdom of Heaven, after all, is not a matter of eating and drinking. Store up your treasure in Heaven, then, where neither worm nor thief nor partially-hydrogenated fats can take them. And when you tell Mrs. DiScipio that she was in fact correct, be sure to try a piece of her cake. It looks delicious.

J+M+J,

Bernard, Abbot of Clairvaux

One Big Happy Family

Shortly after the previous post, my young friend informed me that numerous people took him aside and asked him, with alarm, "How is it that DJ Pacelli could appear on 'Cistercians Unplugged' even though he wasn't one?"

I would not wish to appear rude to the genuine concern of gentle souls by merely replying, "I can do whatever I want." In fact, it would be false, too, because I cannot do whatever I want; I choose to do what God wants me to do.

DJ Pacelli was asked to appear, by my own personal request, because he wrote some very kind words about me and I thought it might please him very much to have an opportunity to perform with me and my brothers. You should have seen his face - he was delighted.

I would caution people, however, against trying to, as you might say, "suck up" to me, thinking that all you need to do to get into one of our famous jam sessions at the Abbey is to say a few kind words about me. People have tried that at various times but it doesn't work.

In fact, recently, I would say in the past 30 years or so (but what is time to us here?), we've suddenly had an influx of people with guitars and tambourines and all manner of other instruments showing up at the gates of the place, trying convince us to let them join in.

We're monks, people! We don't like noise! People occasionally assume that we dislike fun, simply because we're quiet; there is nothing further from the truth. Nothing pleases us more than to praise God in community and to mirror His love for the World by showing kinkdness kindness (Thank Ron, may graces descend upon you!) and hospitality to our fellow man; we always welcome visitors, but advise them to keep the noise down (even if they are Dominicans), out of respect for our way of life.

Heaven, after all, is large enough for all of us.

Life and un-Death Issues

I recently received the following communication in the form of a whispered and slightly terrified prayer:

Dear St. Bernard,

I am a big fan since I saw your appearance on HWTN's "Cistercians Unplugged: Song of Songs re-mix." I had no idea that you and William of St. Thierry were both so dreamy. Who was the DJ laying down the beats during Aelred of Rielvaux's free-style solo? That was hot.

Anyways, I'm a faithful Catholic, lifelong member of the parish of St. George Romero in Pittsburgh, PA, and I have a desperately urgent question in need of your advice. I was just attacked and bitten by a zombie. Would it be sinful to shoot myself in the head, thereby preventing my transformation into a flesh-eating ghoul? I'm concerned not only about the salvation of my eternal soul, but also the well-being of my family. My husband is not terribly observant and I'm concerned I might eat him before he notices that I've turned.

Yours desperately,

Gravely Concerned


Doctor Mellifluus: Dear Gravely, first of all, let me thank you not only for your kind remarks about Our recent performance, but also for trusting me with your time-sensitive question about the possibility of a premature un-death.

To answer your first question, the DJ was not actually a member of Our order, but rather was DJ Pacelli a/k/a His Holiness Pope Pius XII. My young friend in New York informs me that one of His Holiness' early releases is displayed in a place of honor on the wall of an Italian café in the Upper West Side of Manhattan. I am not certain that I have heard that particular recording myself, but I assure you that his entire discography is rich in such lively and edifying "Old Skool" performances as you heard during our broadcast appearance.

With respect to your other question, the Church teaches that life "is not ours to dispose of" (CCC 2280) and "those whose lives are diminished or weakened deserve special respect" (CCC 2276). Our Faith teaches us that not even zombie attacks are guarantees of becoming zombified ourselves; to commit suicide in such a situation would forclose your reception of God's healing Grace, and would be gravely sinful.

I would recommend locking yourself in a room with a secure door for the next several hours; should you become a zombie, your family will be given time to prepare appropriate measures for dealing with you (if they shoot you in the head in such a situation, it would be self-defense, and not murder), or they will unwittingly go looking for you and become lunch themselves; if not, you will have a chance to go on living.

God bless you in your time of trial,

Bernardus Abbatis

Welcome new blogger, Dr. Mellifluus

Doctor Mellifluus

I recently had a brief conversation with a distinguished and sagacious saint, Bernard of Clairvaux, Abbot and Doctor of the Church. He graciously agreed to guest blog his answers to questions, as well as his general observations, under the name "Doctor Mellifluus", by which he is known throughout the Universal Church.

I had a couple of my own questions.

Fallen Sparrow: Thank you Doctor, for gracing the blogosphere with your presence. You're in Heaven; how's the connection up there?

Dr. Mellifluus: It's very good, in fact. Isidore of Seville was finally able to convince St. Peter to let him install wi-fi at The Venerable Bean, Catherine of Siena's internet café recently; you cannot begin to imagine the crowds that line up there all day long. Of course, the Dominicans are in there all the time, chattering, so it's a bit raucous sometimes; but what can I do? We still only have dial-up at the Abbey; it keeps the brothers focused on prayer and not on chatting. They'd spend all their time spamming jokes to Philip Neri and sending smilies to Teresa of Avila, who's a bit of what you on Earth would call a "rock star." But I digress; I don't get to talk much, so sometimes I effuse a bit.

FS: I can only imagine. Don't worry about it. You've named a couple of your friends; who else is up there?


Dr. M.: I'm not really at liberty to discuss that. It's a privilege issue, according to our legal department.












St. Thomas More, Esq.


FS: Top secret, eh, Doctor? Legal department? You have lawyers up there?

Dr. M.: Yes, we have a few lawyers, believe it or not. You can't even imagine what all else goes on up here. Believe me, though, when I tell you, you'd be, how would you say it, "blown away" if you saw it. (Bell begins ringing in background). Oh, that means it's time for sext, so I have to go now.

FS: Thank you, Doctor, for your time.

Dr. M.: My pleasure.


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The Doctor will be periodically dispensing his wisdom and advice, along with that of his friends, for the benefit of the Church Militant.