Dear St. Bernard,
I am a big fan since I saw your appearance on HWTN's "Cistercians Unplugged: Song of Songs re-mix." I had no idea that you and William of St. Thierry were both so dreamy. Who was the DJ laying down the beats during Aelred of Rielvaux's free-style solo? That was hot.
Anyways, I'm a faithful Catholic, lifelong member of the parish of St. George Romero in Pittsburgh, PA, and I have a desperately urgent question in need of your advice. I was just attacked and bitten by a zombie. Would it be sinful to shoot myself in the head, thereby preventing my transformation into a flesh-eating ghoul? I'm concerned not only about the salvation of my eternal soul, but also the well-being of my family. My husband is not terribly observant and I'm concerned I might eat him before he notices that I've turned.
Yours desperately,
Gravely Concerned
Doctor Mellifluus: Dear Gravely, first of all, let me thank you not only for your kind remarks about Our recent performance, but also for trusting me with your time-sensitive question about the possibility of a premature un-death.
To answer your first question, the DJ was not actually a member of Our order, but rather was DJ Pacelli a/k/a His Holiness Pope Pius XII. My young friend in New York informs me that one of His Holiness' early releases is displayed in a place of honor on the wall of an Italian café in the Upper West Side of Manhattan. I am not certain that I have heard that particular recording myself, but I assure you that his entire discography is rich in such lively and edifying "Old Skool" performances as you heard during our broadcast appearance.
With respect to your other question, the Church teaches that life "is not ours to dispose of" (CCC 2280) and "those whose lives are diminished or weakened deserve special respect" (CCC 2276). Our Faith teaches us that not even zombie attacks are guarantees of becoming zombified ourselves; to commit suicide in such a situation would forclose your reception of God's healing Grace, and would be gravely sinful. I would recommend locking yourself in a room with a secure door for the next several hours; should you become a zombie, your family will be given time to prepare appropriate measures for dealing with you (if they shoot you in the head in such a situation, it would be self-defense, and not murder), or they will unwittingly go looking for you and become lunch themselves; if not, you will have a chance to go on living.
God bless you in your time of trial,
Bernardus Abbatis
