One Big Happy Family

Shortly after the previous post, my young friend informed me that numerous people took him aside and asked him, with alarm, "How is it that DJ Pacelli could appear on 'Cistercians Unplugged' even though he wasn't one?"

I would not wish to appear rude to the genuine concern of gentle souls by merely replying, "I can do whatever I want." In fact, it would be false, too, because I cannot do whatever I want; I choose to do what God wants me to do.

DJ Pacelli was asked to appear, by my own personal request, because he wrote some very kind words about me and I thought it might please him very much to have an opportunity to perform with me and my brothers. You should have seen his face - he was delighted.

I would caution people, however, against trying to, as you might say, "suck up" to me, thinking that all you need to do to get into one of our famous jam sessions at the Abbey is to say a few kind words about me. People have tried that at various times but it doesn't work.

In fact, recently, I would say in the past 30 years or so (but what is time to us here?), we've suddenly had an influx of people with guitars and tambourines and all manner of other instruments showing up at the gates of the place, trying convince us to let them join in.

We're monks, people! We don't like noise! People occasionally assume that we dislike fun, simply because we're quiet; there is nothing further from the truth. Nothing pleases us more than to praise God in community and to mirror His love for the World by showing kinkdness kindness (Thank Ron, may graces descend upon you!) and hospitality to our fellow man; we always welcome visitors, but advise them to keep the noise down (even if they are Dominicans), out of respect for our way of life.

Heaven, after all, is large enough for all of us.

Life and un-Death Issues

I recently received the following communication in the form of a whispered and slightly terrified prayer:

Dear St. Bernard,

I am a big fan since I saw your appearance on HWTN's "Cistercians Unplugged: Song of Songs re-mix." I had no idea that you and William of St. Thierry were both so dreamy. Who was the DJ laying down the beats during Aelred of Rielvaux's free-style solo? That was hot.

Anyways, I'm a faithful Catholic, lifelong member of the parish of St. George Romero in Pittsburgh, PA, and I have a desperately urgent question in need of your advice. I was just attacked and bitten by a zombie. Would it be sinful to shoot myself in the head, thereby preventing my transformation into a flesh-eating ghoul? I'm concerned not only about the salvation of my eternal soul, but also the well-being of my family. My husband is not terribly observant and I'm concerned I might eat him before he notices that I've turned.

Yours desperately,

Gravely Concerned


Doctor Mellifluus: Dear Gravely, first of all, let me thank you not only for your kind remarks about Our recent performance, but also for trusting me with your time-sensitive question about the possibility of a premature un-death.

To answer your first question, the DJ was not actually a member of Our order, but rather was DJ Pacelli a/k/a His Holiness Pope Pius XII. My young friend in New York informs me that one of His Holiness' early releases is displayed in a place of honor on the wall of an Italian café in the Upper West Side of Manhattan. I am not certain that I have heard that particular recording myself, but I assure you that his entire discography is rich in such lively and edifying "Old Skool" performances as you heard during our broadcast appearance.

With respect to your other question, the Church teaches that life "is not ours to dispose of" (CCC 2280) and "those whose lives are diminished or weakened deserve special respect" (CCC 2276). Our Faith teaches us that not even zombie attacks are guarantees of becoming zombified ourselves; to commit suicide in such a situation would forclose your reception of God's healing Grace, and would be gravely sinful.

I would recommend locking yourself in a room with a secure door for the next several hours; should you become a zombie, your family will be given time to prepare appropriate measures for dealing with you (if they shoot you in the head in such a situation, it would be self-defense, and not murder), or they will unwittingly go looking for you and become lunch themselves; if not, you will have a chance to go on living.

God bless you in your time of trial,

Bernardus Abbatis

Welcome new blogger, Dr. Mellifluus

Doctor Mellifluus

I recently had a brief conversation with a distinguished and sagacious saint, Bernard of Clairvaux, Abbot and Doctor of the Church. He graciously agreed to guest blog his answers to questions, as well as his general observations, under the name "Doctor Mellifluus", by which he is known throughout the Universal Church.

I had a couple of my own questions.

Fallen Sparrow: Thank you Doctor, for gracing the blogosphere with your presence. You're in Heaven; how's the connection up there?

Dr. Mellifluus: It's very good, in fact. Isidore of Seville was finally able to convince St. Peter to let him install wi-fi at The Venerable Bean, Catherine of Siena's internet café recently; you cannot begin to imagine the crowds that line up there all day long. Of course, the Dominicans are in there all the time, chattering, so it's a bit raucous sometimes; but what can I do? We still only have dial-up at the Abbey; it keeps the brothers focused on prayer and not on chatting. They'd spend all their time spamming jokes to Philip Neri and sending smilies to Teresa of Avila, who's a bit of what you on Earth would call a "rock star." But I digress; I don't get to talk much, so sometimes I effuse a bit.

FS: I can only imagine. Don't worry about it. You've named a couple of your friends; who else is up there?


Dr. M.: I'm not really at liberty to discuss that. It's a privilege issue, according to our legal department.












St. Thomas More, Esq.


FS: Top secret, eh, Doctor? Legal department? You have lawyers up there?

Dr. M.: Yes, we have a few lawyers, believe it or not. You can't even imagine what all else goes on up here. Believe me, though, when I tell you, you'd be, how would you say it, "blown away" if you saw it. (Bell begins ringing in background). Oh, that means it's time for sext, so I have to go now.

FS: Thank you, Doctor, for your time.

Dr. M.: My pleasure.


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The Doctor will be periodically dispensing his wisdom and advice, along with that of his friends, for the benefit of the Church Militant.